Can You Hear Me?

Ahh. Me. This is my rant house. My thoughts, words, visions and dreams.

10.5.06

Hurt

OK. So I'm really pissed off. Augh. I cannot stand living here. I should have stayed in Edmonton tonight. Frick I'm such a mess. Augh. Stupid life. Stupid stupid STUPID!! Grr. My dad has been moved out of our house, out of my life for over a year now. Hmm. The past year has been ridiculous. Before my dad left us, we never had the issues we've had lately. From my sister attempting suicide to the other sister being in the hospital for everything possible. It's not like I'm saying she's doing this on purpose, but she sure gets her share of attention. Last night she had an exertion - induced asthma attack. What?! Ok fine, but when my mom was telling me this a few minutes I say one thing that isn't necessarily sympathetic, she starts yelling at me, telling me I always think that Danielle's a wimp. What the fricking crap? So that's when I tune out. I don't even care anymore. Ugh, I was at Blessings the other day. I see my old car. Which is now my dad's car. I ran into him inside. I made the effort I said "Hey". He was the one who made up some excuse to go find some card. Frick. Didn't even acknowledge me when he left. Yeah, we aren't tight, but everytime I try my heart gets broken. So do I trust this man? Or do I guard my heart above all else, because it's the wellspring of life. Augh. I just cannot stand this anymore.

My life is a mess. My only sustenance is from my lover, my Father. It's all I have. I am stripped so bare. I'm so emotional. My emotions are not my everything. By no means.

As my spirit flows free
Let it find within me
A heart that beats to praise you

3 Comments:

  • At May 17, 2006 10:27 AM, Blogger JP said…

    You are already on the right path to place yourself in a place where God can move in your life - heal what needs to be healed and change what needs to be changed. I've never been through anything like that, but it doesn't mean I can't feel or imagine an image of its pain.
    I'm so glad you chose to look at God, your true lover, when a man has failed you. Thank God you don't turn to more men.
    Being stripped bare hurts for sure, but in order to achieve what you've asked God to achieve in your life, or for what God wants to do in your life, these things have to be walked through for short or long periods of time.
    It's hard, but your heart and attitude seem to be on the right track, just keeping your eyes fixed on the ultimate.

    Romans 8:28

     
  • At May 18, 2006 1:15 AM, Blogger Dawn said…

    Jocelyn.... i understand part of your situation... my dad left when i was young and my family has been kinda messed ever since! It fills me with joy though to know that through all of the crap that you are leaning on the ultimate Lover of our souls! I wont lie to you and say that the hurt all goes away really quickly... or even at all for that matter... its been this way in my fam for over 14years now and it still stings from time to time! Know that Gods love is ALWAYS there!!! You are PRECIOUS in His sight (Isaiah 43:4)! From just what i have seen of you i can say that you are a strong, beutiful, loving, warm, friendly, caring princess of the most high! Be encouraged, be blessed, hang in there for this too shall pass! (1 Peter 1:6,7; Romans 5:3-5) You can do it girl... i believe in you!

     
  • At May 18, 2006 4:20 PM, Blogger Nicole said…

    Hello I stumbled on your blog through Dawns blog and I read it and it was wow...you see my story is a little bit different I have never known my real dad and so I have always gaurded my heart from men but I found my true love from my Daddy in heaven and He loves me more then any one else can...and He loves you too and I know it hurts I dont know how much but I am sure it hurts alot that pain is still fresh in your heart and like dawn said it will still hurt in the future but what you can do is fall into our Father God's arms and tell Him everything and let Him hold you till you need Him...the best part that I like is He is always there...with arms open wide

     

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