What I meant to say was...

Fuck me.

I'm such a mess.

You're absolutely right.
I'm a total fucking asshole.

That was so unfair of me.

You're totally right.
I just need to let it go.

But how?

When everything within me screams to not.

The magnitude of it all... it's a total wonder I keep myself together.

Tortured soul.

I keep replaying it in my head.
I have no idea where this version of me comes from.

So, though you'll likely never read this; this is what I had been preparing to say to you for all this time.

Hi.
How are you?
You look really good.
I miss you at times.
Bye.

Again I apologize for whatever nonsense came out of my mouth that night.
I just don't even know where that shit came from.

I'm just a total fucking idiot I guess.
But then, you always made me act like that.

WOW! it's almost been a whole year. unbelievable. lots has changed. mostly me. heh. definately not blog worthy of sharing. pretty much... i'm just on this journey... like we all are... maybe i'm a little confused of where i am or what im doin or where i'm going... i dont even know..

whatever right

Alive...

mmm. so it's been awhile since i posted in here I realize. i've got little to say... if you want to keep in contact with me check out my:
nexopia: jocelberry
myspace: http://www.myspace.com/jocelberry
photoblog: http://jocelberry.photoblog.com

so YES! I am alive and well but i just don't keep this one updated quite as often! haha.

anyways
p to the eace!

Happy New Year!

Hmmm. This is just a post to Say happy New year. Yes bad Grammar. whatEVER!

Ok. I'm loopy. This is my favorite side!


Hope everyone's New Years was fulfilling.

PFFT!

Why won't I learn. I'm out of money. Every time I don't tithe, I end up with no money. Whenever I do tithe, I so always have money. When God says that there's a special blessing that comes from just tithing. I don't make that mistake very often but when I do I always regret it. *sighs*. I can be so dense.

Haha. Well

Hasta Luego.

Jocelyn

pay attention

Mmm. I find it interesting how... "Christians" are too busy doing "christian" things to notice the people. Now. Before all you guys get offended and defensive, relax. I know not everyone is like this. I know people are busy and not everyone can notice everyone. So, take a deep breath, and try not to take this too personally.

So here's a story. There's this girl, and she's been struggling to find out who she is. She knows in her heart of hearts that she belongs to God. She loves God, longs to grow into a deeper intimate real realationship with him and is. Now, this girl is not very open with other people. She's been burned in the past by sharing her issues with other people and is not so willing to get hurt again so easily. So she goes along and lives her life, but leaves her struggling between herself and God. It's great, God speaks to her and she listens and gets cool revelations. However, in this girl's work there are not a lot of other people with her same beliefs. It isn't long before she swears as easily as they do, and before she knows it she's gone out and partied it up. No one in her Christian group seems to notice. Other than her being quieter, more withdrawn and timid. You see, her work friends at least listen to her. She still knows who she is in Jesus. She still talks to God everyday. Yet, there's no one for her to talk about God with, other than her work friends. They don't necessarily agree.

So.. the moral of the story is, when you ask someone how they are... try and mean it and wait long enough for the answer. Some people need to know that you really care before they tell you about their life. Prod a little. You might be surprised at who is struggling with what.

Mucha Lova

-Joce

Talking Smack

Hahah! Hey guys! What's new?

Well right to the point. Tonight I had a very interesting experience. It was the first time someone to my face very openly mocked my faith in Jesus.

So here's how it all went down. There's this person at work who swears constantly. Actually most of them do. Even me. However, I was getting sick of it, so I asked him if he could stop dropping f-bombs so often for no apparent reason. He turns around and says, "What are you going to do about you Christian-girl. Are you going to call on your Lord Jesus to strike me down with his wrath?" Now, I didn't respond the way I had always planned too. I had always had a quick retort about making fun of God. But strangely, I was just silent. One of his friends asked what was going on and then she said to him "Well it's rude!" I didn't say a word. He said, "Well I say it a lot so you are just going to have to get used to it." Haha I still said nothing. No big. But I think I made him uncomfortable with my silence. The thing is I do usually have a quick response. I'm quite witty. I was thinking about it a bit later and I started getting mad about it. Then I thought about when Jesus said that we will, definately, be persecuted, mocked etc... for our faith. After that I was just filled with this joy. I was totally blessed by the persecution.

Sweet!
GoD BlEsS.


When they're talking smack just turn around and just bless them back. - KJ52

pb & j epiphany

so i was just lying in bed, trying to sleep, when all of sudden all i could think about was a PB and J sandwich. i thought about how I was going to make 4 for lunch tomorrow. I was so hungry. So I got up out of bed and well made myself a peanut butter and raspberry jam sandwich. I was munching it down, when all of a sudden I thought, "Boy I sure am blessed to be able to get up and make what I wanted." I mean more than half the world doesn't have that luxury. Even kids in NA. I mean PB & J may be all that they have to eat. I'm blessed. If you can look in your pantry or fridge and have more to choose from than PB & J and KD, then you are blessed.
I love how things like that are pounded into us for as long as we can remember but it takes something really getting us for it to hit home. I guess that God isn't as absent as I thought he was.

-Joce

hmm. so, I am not dead. I'm here as always. I always think about updating but then I get busy again. Basically, I work and sleep. Haha. Hmm. There's so much going on, though some, if not most, is not really tell-the-world-in-my-blog, so I will refrain.

One thing on my mind is stuff. So let's see. In the past 2 months, I have bought a laptop, a new cell phone and a new car. I always thought once I had those three things I could be content. However this is not the case. Now I want a video camera. I could really use a TV and more video games and books and on and on the list goes. So I know that there is nothing wrong with stuff. Soon it starts to consume you, become all you are and look after. Definately not so great. Now don't get me wrong, my laptop was an excellent investment. I have a great plan behind my car. My cell phone is also a TV and camera and MP3 player. So I am pleased. I just kind of hope that I'll be able to get over this I need stuff phase. I guess I feel that because I work so much that I should treat myself... which I should. I don't know man, my credit card is pretty full and my bank account is pretty empty. Maybe I'm confused. I guess I'll just sit here confused for a while. It might stop me from spending. Hah.

Keepin it real,

J-o-c-e-l-y-n

Well it is 5:11 on a beautiful Thursday morning. Hmm what to say. I have been working. A lot. Like everywhere, we are severly short-staffed. Last Thursday evening 2 people walked out two hours into the shift. At 2am of the same shift, there was 2 people. Myself and the floor captain. Haha, I stayed because I make mad money at that time of night. She stayed because I stayed. Haha... but basically, if I get a shift that's under 8 hours I'm super blessed. Although I do like these long shifts. I find my character gets tested when I'm tired. I was really grumpy for about 4 hours tonight. Like snapping at people, getting angry at the dumbest things. Something in me checked I think. Sure, I can be tired, even grumpy, but when it turns to hurting people with my words, it's wrong. Mmm. Yes. So pray for me, I'm really patient already, although I'm more patient with machines than people. So now it is. 5:17 on a beautiful Thursday before thanksgiving. Enjoy your day. I'll be enjoying my bed.

heart-racing, teeth chattering exciting nervous stress

know what's stressful? Buying a car. I cannot even imagine what buying a house is like. I'm just sitting here on the edge of my seat waiting for people to call me back... urgh... it's a happy stress though... hopefully I can get this tonight!

cannot take too much more of this.

In this very moment I am angry.

So my sister gets whatever she wants all the fricking time and it drives me crazy. So she got mad because there's something wrong with the TV in the back room{which is my tv, it's back there because i agreed to leave it back there because I didnt have a cable for it in my room}. So in a fit of rage she ripped out a cord. My mom saunters in here and tells me this. Instant anger. Not so much about the TV, but because she's got this attitude this size of Canada and serious anger problems. So my mom goes on and on about how TV's don't last anyways.

What the fricking crap?! There are days when I just cannot stand this. I'm starting to calm down, don't worry I'll get over it too. No reason for a life crisis, not having a meltdown. Sue me if all I've got to talk to in a pinch is a stupid website. Whatever.

I'm Out.

Clear Fountain Vs. Stagnant Swamp

Hmm.

I was just reading Ephesians 5 here. I've read it a thousand times, but I just caught this tidbit in verse 4.

Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving.

Ok. That's the NIV version. The NASV says something to the tune of no filthiness or silly talk.

Don't talk dirty or silly. Hmm. Now I'm a little more careful with the dirty talk than I am with the silliness. Maybe this is just me and all of you have totally gotten this, but really silly talk has no purpose. It does not further kingdom and most often makes me look like a fool. Hmm. I don' think that this means I can't be funny. The silly in this means foolish. Man proverbs is chalked full of wise vs. foolish.

Hmm. Proverbs 10:31 {message style}

A good person's mouth is a clear fountain of wisdom; a foul mouth is a stagnant swamp.

a clear fountain.
a stagnant swamp.

all i really know is i want to be more on the clear fountain side. how much more appealing to God and others.

hmm.
ponder it.

j to the ocelyn.

Getting a car

What?!
Haha I'm getting a new car. Yes. Almost actually new. It is a 2005 Pontiac Pursuit. Happy Happy Joy Joy. Go me for having sweet connections and getting 5 grand off it. Hellllooo!
Anyways. Joyous day.

Peace Out

...........DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH

well well well. i am tired. i worked close to 30 hours. i don't want to exaggerate because that's basically lying. let me think so 15.5 on wednesday and 13.75 on thursday so... 29.25 hours. heh. wow. i cannot wait for my paycheque... wOOT. basically i am blessed. even though im super tired. haha.