The Summer of 47 Regrets

Hmm. So. Summer's basically over. In my books summer's done at the end of summer. It's when the kiddies go back to school, and people are basically back from holidays. Man what a summer this has been. The first half was filled with a lot of fun, laughter, growing experiences. There was my trip to Calgary with the youth for our 4 days to work at the Mustard Seed. Very enriching experience. I thought I liked one guy from that trip, but have since realized otherwise. Heh. Hmm. Yea lots of laughs. There was the dance class I took which ran 7 weeks, even though I made it to 4. Hiphop, Jazz, Modern/Lyrical, Tap. Hmm. I went to Red Deer for an action-packed week of Holy Ghost power and revelation, with my bud Lisa. Mmm. It was the summer I turned 20 and finally bought the laptop I've been waiting for, for about 6 years. Hmm. I guess, it was an alright summer. Better than most in some ways. I fell victim to temptations I've struggled with for years and years. I fell victim to temptations I've never experienced before. I had my heart broken, in many different ways. My spirit has been put out it seems. I think it took me to today to realize this. Hmm. It's been a constant struggle to stay afloat spiritually. I've questioned my faith. Something that used to be so unshakable, may not be anymore. I suppose that's good. I'm realizing that I can't fake this anymore. It has to be whole-hearted or else I'm never going to be satisfied. These past weeks I've been quite angry at God. I started having car troubles again today, I called out, "Why God, why is this fricking happening to me?" It was then that I realized. God hears our prayers, but WHY would he respond to someone who's walking the opposite direction from him. I don't know. He did respond, "Spend time with me, stop being sorry and start being repentant." pffft. I don't know guys, it seems that there are so many distractions, so many other things to do. Frick it's so hard to find that secret place. Not once, when I have asked God to be there for me, not once has he not come through. Yet I still struggle with trusting him. Poop. I'm a retard who never seems to learn. Time will tell what life will bring and what exactly I'll be shaped into.

Rant

Greetings readers. Let me start this off with the reading of a birthday card I just received.

Daughter,

On your birthday,
my heart travels back
to the very first time
I held you in my arms.
You were so tiny then,
and my dreams for you were so big,
so far in the future...

Yet in no time at all
you've fulfilled those dreams -
and more.
You've given me
so many happy memories,
and I want you to know
how proud I am of everything
you've accomplished
and the woman you've become.

I hope this year will be
a special yaer for you -
a year of joy, love, and laughter...
a year of beautiful dreams
come true...
a year you will treasure always
because every year
you've been a part of my life
has been that kind of year
for me.

I love you,
Dad

XOXOX


Now. Don't get me wrong. Considering I wasn't expecting anything from him, I appreciate it. However, it just seems kind of hollow. My best memories of my father are of when I was under 7. Very little after that is good. My dad is a very hurting man. Because he was hurt, he hurts others. Namely me. Plus my family. However. My father has not talked to me in months. The last time we talked, I was driving past Blessings and saw his car. Don't ask why. But I got all excited to go in and see him. I saw him and he was like, "Oh, hi, how's it goin? Well I need to go find a card." not 2 minutes later I wandered back to where he was and he was gone. I remember the feeling that I felt that second. It was like the ultimate rejection. I can tell you one thing, folks, I understand rejection. And yet, this man who has had very little positive impact in my life for 12 or more years, still had the power to break my heart. Mmm. Another thing that bothers me slightly is the fact that he sent it in the mail with no return-address. Now if I really wanted to, I could find out where he lives. But the fact of the matter is, he doesn't want to see me. Maybe he feels guilty when he's around me. Those of you that know me, know that I'm tough. I tend to suck it up and stuff my emotions way down. I'm trying so desperately to change that. It's very hard to keep your heart soft towards someone who continuously breaks it and will continue to do so. Is that what we call love? Forgiveness? Grace? All I know I need to be soft and yet still guard my heart. I can't spend all my time boo-hooing over the situation, he certainly is not. I just don't really understand him. In his mind, he's the perfect little father. He's this great intercessor at his church. If you met him, you would like him. The perfect community man. But he abandoned his family. Us. Me. He hurt my mom and sisters badly. Me too. I'm just the one who'll talk about it the least. Well because y'know I'm the strong one. Mmm. Thank God for my dear friend today, who let me cry and prayed for me. I needed that. It seems that no one seems to be around much lately. I'm trying so hard, but y'know no one seems to care. It's ok I guess. I understand busy. Just leads for a very lonely life. In any case. I know what I have to do. I just needed this rant. Thank God for a blog nobody really reads.

Joce