Rant

Greetings readers. Let me start this off with the reading of a birthday card I just received.

Daughter,

On your birthday,
my heart travels back
to the very first time
I held you in my arms.
You were so tiny then,
and my dreams for you were so big,
so far in the future...

Yet in no time at all
you've fulfilled those dreams -
and more.
You've given me
so many happy memories,
and I want you to know
how proud I am of everything
you've accomplished
and the woman you've become.

I hope this year will be
a special yaer for you -
a year of joy, love, and laughter...
a year of beautiful dreams
come true...
a year you will treasure always
because every year
you've been a part of my life
has been that kind of year
for me.

I love you,
Dad

XOXOX


Now. Don't get me wrong. Considering I wasn't expecting anything from him, I appreciate it. However, it just seems kind of hollow. My best memories of my father are of when I was under 7. Very little after that is good. My dad is a very hurting man. Because he was hurt, he hurts others. Namely me. Plus my family. However. My father has not talked to me in months. The last time we talked, I was driving past Blessings and saw his car. Don't ask why. But I got all excited to go in and see him. I saw him and he was like, "Oh, hi, how's it goin? Well I need to go find a card." not 2 minutes later I wandered back to where he was and he was gone. I remember the feeling that I felt that second. It was like the ultimate rejection. I can tell you one thing, folks, I understand rejection. And yet, this man who has had very little positive impact in my life for 12 or more years, still had the power to break my heart. Mmm. Another thing that bothers me slightly is the fact that he sent it in the mail with no return-address. Now if I really wanted to, I could find out where he lives. But the fact of the matter is, he doesn't want to see me. Maybe he feels guilty when he's around me. Those of you that know me, know that I'm tough. I tend to suck it up and stuff my emotions way down. I'm trying so desperately to change that. It's very hard to keep your heart soft towards someone who continuously breaks it and will continue to do so. Is that what we call love? Forgiveness? Grace? All I know I need to be soft and yet still guard my heart. I can't spend all my time boo-hooing over the situation, he certainly is not. I just don't really understand him. In his mind, he's the perfect little father. He's this great intercessor at his church. If you met him, you would like him. The perfect community man. But he abandoned his family. Us. Me. He hurt my mom and sisters badly. Me too. I'm just the one who'll talk about it the least. Well because y'know I'm the strong one. Mmm. Thank God for my dear friend today, who let me cry and prayed for me. I needed that. It seems that no one seems to be around much lately. I'm trying so hard, but y'know no one seems to care. It's ok I guess. I understand busy. Just leads for a very lonely life. In any case. I know what I have to do. I just needed this rant. Thank God for a blog nobody really reads.

Joce